Surgery Eve

16 Jul

Today kind of feels like the calm before the storm. There’s a lot I hope to accomplish to make sure I’m set up to relax and do nothing at least through the weekend. Stupid things like making sure the laundry is done since I don’t know when I’ll be able to handle doing it again.

As a teenager I had a few oral surgeries that I can hardly remember. I also had my appendix out in 2005 which included a two day hospital stay. Nothing I’ve already been through has me feeling prepared for what’s to come tomorrow. My appendix surgery was fast, I went into the ER and had little time to think or react as I was wheeled to the OR for surgery before the damn thing ruptured.

I scheduled my ankle surgery last Tuesday and have had more than a week to think about what’s to come.

Mommyland

What’s to come:

I’ll be spending 4 weeks with crutches since I will be unable to do any weight bearing on the right side. After that 4 weeks I will spend another 6-8 in that Godforsaken boot. Perhaps a little PT and then MAYBE I’ll be able to hit the road and start running again.

Since it’s my right ankle we’re dealing with, my ability to drive will be taken away and anywhere I’ll need to go, at least for that first 4 weeks, I’ll need to be driven. I really hate to have to depend so heavily on others like that.

I will also have to swallow my pride and take advantage of those damn jazzy chairs at the grocery store and Costco for a little while. ::beep beep::

The thought of being trapped inside my house has me a little depressed already.

Guilt:

Lately I’ve been overtaken with guilt. I feel guilty that I ruined my kid’s summer by spending most of it crippled and unable to take them to all the fun places we had planned to go. I feel guilty for feeling so miserable about my situation, and that one has me stuck in this horrible cycle of guilt.

Most of all though I feel guilty for putting my family into some serious medical debt. Now that Bill is self-employed and we’ve had to purchase individual insurance our insurance sucks. OK, it’s great if no one gets sick or injured but this injury will set us back tens of thousands of dollars that we just don’t have. The stack of bills sitting on my desk is equivalent to a great vacation and there are still more to come.

Fear:

I’m terrified. I’ll be under general anesthesia and they will be providing an airway for me. Sure I’ve and this before but they never told me ahead of time about it, they knocked my ass out and that was it. People don’t wake up from routine surgeries all the time.

I’m afraid of the pain I’ll be in after. Sure, I’ll be given pain meds but what if they don’t help? I’m a baby, I don’t like pain. What if the next 4 weeks are spent in agony on my couch because I can’t make it up to my bed?

Yeah, yeah, I know I need to stop with the what ifs and just relax but they gave me too much time to lay awake at night and think about all this shit. I’m sure in the end I’ll be fine, I have one of the leading surgeons in his field working on me, but there are two things I find difficult to cope with. First, I don’t like to not have control and nothing that happens tomorrow will be in my control. Second, I have a fear of the unknown. I’ve never had an outpatient surgery like this and I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow.

Wish me luck! And if you’re a praying person maybe say a little prayer for me, I’d really appreciate it.

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The End Of An Era

2 Jun

Something kind of big happened last Friday, Logan had his last day of preschool. In the fall he will be moving on to Kindergarten, thus an era has ended here in Mommyland. My kids are school aged, there are no more preschoolers and probably never will be again.

My baby goes to preschool

Logan’s first day of Preschool (nearly 3 years old)

I look at the photo above and I wonder how this happened? Logan is my little guy, how can he be finishing his time as a preschooler?

But then I think back to the little boy you see above and I look at the little boy before me and I am astonished at how much he’s grown. That little boy you see up there was still in diapers and he still slept in a crib. The little boy living in my house now snores like an old man in his big bed and the diapers are long gone. He can write his own name, he knows his address and phone number and can color inside the lines.

There are things that haven’t changed though, I’m still his best friend and he still loves to give unsolicited hugs and cuddles. Man I hope that never changes.

Sure his big brother came before him as a preschool graduate but it’s different now. We spent five years inside Calvary Lutheran Preschool, the teachers feel like family. They have become the loving aunts who looked after and taught my boys so many important and interesting things. The realization that I will probably not see any of them ever again is heartbreaking.

Some other things that have become dear to my heart are disappearing too. There will be no more homemade birthday treats to bring to school (our school district doesn’t allow it), no more Christmas shows, no more Mother’s Day Tea. Our twenty minute drives to school where we chat and sing will be replaced by a walk down the driveway to put him on the bus with his brother.

It’s bittersweet as we close out this chapter in our family’s story and get ready to start a new one. I know there are so many wonderful memories to be made and I’m very much looking forward to them all but I will always look back at these past few years with a fondness. Our family has changed so much but at the same time we’re still the same.

Good bye preschool, and thank you for the memories.

Mommyland Logan’s last day of preschool (5 and a half years old)

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