The Tree From Hell

30 Nov

I can barely remember a time when my parents didn’t have their artificial Christmas tree. I’m pretty sure they got it when I was in college, but that’s neither here nor there.

That tree has always been a pain in the ass, but somehow over the past five years Bill and I have been enlisted to come over the day after Thanksgiving to put it together. It’s now a family tradition.

First things first, the furniture has to be moved around the room to accommodate the tree.

The next thing that happens is the archeological dig to get to the box with the tree pieces, somehow it always seems to get buried in the basement. The box is way too big and bulky to carry upstairs, so we make nine million trips up and down the stairs to get all those pieces to the living room. Oh, did I mention the damn tree goes together LIMB BY LIMB? Oh yeah, and it’s NINE FREAKING FEET TALL!

We’ve finally dug the tree out and got all the branches up the stairs, now it’s time to separate them. At one time the tree had color coded tags on each branch so that we; one, knew which branches went together, and two, knew what order they went on the tree. A lot of those little tags are gone making the process even longer than it already was.

Now that the branches are separated, the tedious task of getting them on the tree begins. My mom and Bill “fluff” the branches and hand them to me to put on the pole┬átree. I usually spend the afternoon getting static shocks, sneezing my head off and getting covered in oxidation. Good times! There used to be directions for what color goes in what order, but like many of the colored tags, the directions have disappeared. Now, we hold the branches up next to each other to see which one’s are longer so we know how they go on the pole┬átree.

Eventually we make it to the top of the tree…There’s an extra branch…CRAP! I think we just stuffed it in somewhere.

Thankfully we don’t have to do the decorating.

January first the whole process will begin again…In reverse.

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