Fearful at 3am.

4 Jan

I woke up at 3:30 this morning to answer the call of my three year old having a nightmare. Being rocked out of a dead sleep to haul ass to your child’s rescue tends to get your juices flowing. The freezing cold didn’t help me fall back asleep either.

So there I lay with nothing but my racing mind. I feel the anxiety starting to creep in.

I have three real fears in life; fire taking my house and all my belongings, growing old and death. The fire thing is something I keep in the back of my mind but it never causes the paralyzing panic attacks that the other two give me. Being afraid of fire makes me more careful with what I do, because when I see something like this I am reminded that it can all be gone in an instant.

But anyway, there I am at 3:30 in the morning thinking about how fast the boys are growing up, which leads to how fast I’m growing old, which drops me off at the fact that I won’t always be here for my boys. With as fast as the last 10 years have gone, the next ten will be gone in an instant and an instant after that I’ll be ready for Social Security.

Yes, I know I’m a nut job.

I’m not a religious person and I truly feel that when I die that’s it, lights out. I won’t be with the loved ones who went before me. I won’t be able to watch down on my boys and see that they’re ok.

UGH, my heart is starting to race just typing this.

I did finally manage to fall back to sleep where I had nightmares about my job at the Y. Who knows how my crazy-ass mind works, I love my job, I shouldn’t be having nightmares about it.

Now that you know a little more about how crazy I really am, what are your biggest fears? I don’t mean the little stuff like spiders creep you out…they creep me out too. I mean the big stuff, the stuff that makes your blood run cold. The stuff that makes you panic at 3:30 in the morning.