A Deep Screening By TSA

28 Feb

TSA pat down

There really is nothing like a good fondling to start the day.

I don’t travel often, usually only a few times a year, so I don’t really consider myself a pro by any means but I am a competent traveler.

Imagine my excitement to see that for my next trip I was selected for TSA Pre-Check. No fumbling with my shoes, jacket, and laptop all while keeping up with the herd of travelers with varying skill levels when it comes to the security procedures.

I toss my bags on the belt and step through the metal detector, of course wondering why I can’t just go through the body scanner thing. The metal detector makes a strange noise, not the noise it makes when your belt buckle is too big, this was something different.

I was the winner!

The winner of what you ask? A secondary, and in my opinion, tertiary and even further screenings. I did get my wish to go through the body scanner thing and then I was informed that I was also the winner of a early morning pat down. Now that’s some fun shit!

They ask if I wanted a private screening or if she could grope me in front of everyone in the security line. Wanting to make the woman work for it, I told her that we needed to go somewhere more private. I was going to ask if she was going to buy be breakfast after, or at least share a smoke, but I thought better of it.

The joke was on me though since I had to wait for a second female TSA agent to saunter on over to act as witness that I wasn’t molested behind closed doors by her coworker.

I was brought back to a pretty nasty room, which was probably once a janitorial closet, where we had to ask a nice TSA gentleman to clear out his breakfast so we could get down to business.

I’m gonna go ahead and say that the girls have not been man handled like that since I was in high school. Then for good measure she decided to give my love handles a good squeezing. I assure you, the only thing I’m hiding beneath my shirt is my love of carbs.

Once we were done in our private little room, she lead me back out to swab my hands and her hands for yet some more screening. Here’s the kicker though, they never asked to take a closer look at my bags. They asked me to point them out and when I informed her that my husband had them she was cool with that. Seems to me that if you want to get that intimate with someone, you could take a closer look at what they’re carrying in their bags. But hey, that’s just me.

Bombs, drugs or just a good time, I’m not really sure what this lady was looking for and I didn’t bother to ask, I just wanted my Venti Latte with and extra shot at that point.

I did a good job of holding my snark in since I didn’t want to delay my husband by getting arrested and thrown in airport jail. I think that’s the purpose of sharing my story with you now, to get the snark out.

Don’t get me wrong, I take our security seriously. I think it’s vitally important to insure the safety of our airline passengers in this crazy time we live in. The five to ten minutes I was inconvenienced didn’t upset me because I get why they do it. It did however give me something to laugh at later and hopefully make you giggle at too.

Enjoy your week, catch you later!

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