I woke up at 3:30 this morning to answer the call of my three year old having a nightmare. Being rocked out of a dead sleep to haul ass to your child’s rescue tends to get your juices flowing. The freezing cold didn’t help me fall back asleep either.

So there I lay with nothing but my racing mind. I feel the anxiety starting to creep in.

I have three real fears in life; fire taking my house and all my belongings, growing old and death. The fire thing is something I keep in the back of my mind but it never causes the paralyzing panic attacks that the other two give me. Being afraid of fire makes me more careful with what I do, because when I see something like this I am reminded that it can all be gone in an instant.

But anyway, there I am at 3:30 in the morning thinking about how fast the boys are growing up, which leads to how fast I’m growing old, which drops me off at the fact that I won’t always be here for my boys. With as fast as the last 10 years have gone, the next ten will be gone in an instant and an instant after that I’ll be ready for Social Security.

Yes, I know I’m a nut job.

I’m not a religious person and I truly feel that when I die that’s it, lights out. I won’t be with the loved ones who went before me. I won’t be able to watch down on my boys and see that they’re ok.

UGH, my heart is starting to race just typing this.

I did finally manage to fall back to sleep where I had nightmares about my job at the Y. Who knows how my crazy-ass mind works, I love my job, I shouldn’t be having nightmares about it.

Now that you know a little more about how crazy I really am, what are your biggest fears? I don’t mean the little stuff like spiders creep you out…they creep me out too. I mean the big stuff, the stuff that makes your blood run cold. The stuff that makes you panic at 3:30 in the morning.

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Just when I think our bus drama is over I’m dragging my 5 year old kicking and screaming down to the bus stop.

He’s screaming he doesn’t want to go to school, and for Cameron that is saying a lot. The kid LOVES school, and has never once tried to stay home, even when he was sick. I ask him why he doesn’t want to go to school and he just keeps repeating himself over and over. In an effort to get some kind of answer out of him I tell him I’ll keep him home if he has a real reason not to go. Through sobs he says he doesn’t want to get on bus 42, he misses his friends from bus 60. If you’re not sure what all this means, check out Adventures In Bus Riding and More Adventures In Bus Riding for more info on our bus situation.

My heart instantly breaks.

I truly think that he’s intimidated by some of the kids on the bus. Cameron is not small for his age, but there are some big kids that ride the bus with him. Apparently it’s not cool to sit in the back of the bus anymore because all these big kids situate themselves right around Cameron. I’ve seen with my own eyes that some of these kids take advantage of his kind, naive nature. Some of what I have seen at pick up and again at drop off shows me that some of these kids lack basic manners and decency.

Part of me is afraid that there is something more sinister going on. Is he being bullied on the bus? I’m new to all this, I have no idea where to start. I want to ask questions but I don’t want to lead him into saying anything that might not be the real story. You know how kids can be, they sometimes give you the answers they think you want to hear.

So here I sit, not sure what to do, not sure what questions to ask. Bus 60 still drives right passed the house so I don’t think it would be a hardship for them to switch Cameron back to his old bus. But can I really justify asking them to do that just because he misses his friends?

UGH, who knew this parenting thing would be so hard?

If you have any insight for me, please share it. I feel absolutely terrible that my little guy is sad (and maybe even something more) and I can’t make it all better. Isn’t that my job as a mother?

How could anyone ever be mean to that sweet little guy?