Who cries over curtain rods? ME!

10 Mar

Nine months ago we put our townhouse on the market. Seven months ago we moved to The Hill. We moved into our dream home, the place we’ve been waiting to find and be able to afford. Of course still having the townhouse was always in the back of our minds, especially when we had to write the checks to pay for the place. We had started a new life on The Hill, made new memories. I’ve been almost blissfully happy in our new home.

Well, the time has come. Tomorrow morning we go to settlement on the townhouse. It’s the moment we’ve been waiting on for so long, I should be dancing in the streets. I’m not.

Part of my sadness comes from just how much we lost on the house, but really that’s secondary to what I never saw coming. While I was at the house cleaning last night it hit me like a freight train.  I’m actually sad to be getting rid of the house. What is wrong with me?!? This should be on the list of the top five happiest times of my life. I hated that house.

We bought that house out of necessity. It was either we buy it or it would be sold out from under us. We never loved it. In fact, we (at least I) hated the place the entire time we lived there. I even spent my first few months in the townhouse so depressed I didn’t  think I’d ever be happy again.

I hated the house itself, but what had never really thought about until last night was how much love was inside those four walls.

As I stood in the doorway to Cameron’s empty room I didn’t just see an empty room anymore, I saw all the fun times we shared in that room. I saw all his stuff in there. I saw him playing with his toys and peacefully sleeping in his bed. I stood in his doorway staring into his empty room and started to cry, and I’ve had a hard time getting myself to stop. Cameron was just four months old when we moved there, it was the only home he knew. Of course the fact that the new house is leaps and bounds better than the old house helped him get over his sadness of leaving his “home”.

As I walked through the rest of the house I didn’t just see empty rooms. I saw my boys taking their first steps in the family room. I saw Logan trying his first bites of food in the dinning room. I saw myself in the kitchen actually cooking a meal. I saw the Christmas tree in the corner. I saw Logan the first (and only) time he tried to get out of his crib and I found him hanging on the outside of the front rail with a look of absolute terror on his face. I saw myself feeding Logan and rocking him in the glider. I saw the dog sleeping next to the bed. I saw my cat sunning himself in the window. I saw more than four years of happy memories, that I now feel like I’m leaving behind. I feel like I’m leaving a piece of myself behind in that house.

I’m finding myself strangely attached to things that I know don’t even matter. Crying over curtain rods? Really? Yes, but I can’t help it, they have been ours since we had our first apartment, and now we are being forced to leave them behind. Really, it shouldn’t bother me, especially since I don’t even have anyplace (besides in the basement) to put them. They’re mine and I want them. I guess some of  what upsets me about leaving the curtain rods and some bookshelves behind is that I feel like the house was stolen from us and now they want to take even more.

As I drove away from the house for the last time this afternoon I felt so conflicted. I’m so happy to be done with the crazy neighbors, the homeowner’s association nonsense, the fighting over parking spaces, and the little house with no yard. At the same time, I’m sad to let go of the memories and to never step inside those four walls again. I know in my heart of hearts that I’ll carry the memories with me where ever I go, but it’s hard for me to reconcile never seeing the place again. It’s hard to think of all the hard work we put into the place over the past four years being ripped out and replaced.

I have everything I’ve ever wanted, so why am I so upset? Am I just crazy? Hormonally unbalanced? It’ll be interesting to see how I hold up tomorrow, to see how I feel this time tomorrow when it’s all over. I guess there’s nothing more to say but wish me luck!

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