There’s never a dull moment in Mommyland

21 Nov

Warning! This post is graphic. If you have just eaten, are thinking about eating or haven’t eaten at all today, you might want to skip this one. 

I remember a few years back the Army used this line that went something to the effect, “We do more by 9am than most people do all day.” They might still use that one, and I’m sure it’s true, most days I’m lucky to get a shower before 9am. Oh who am I kidding, most days I’m lucky to get a shower at all.

But I digress…

This morning I had more nastiness happen to me before 9am than most people have all day, maybe even all week.

Here’s how it all began:

I walk out of my room after getting showered and dressed to see Cameron wearing nothing but his PJ shirt with his hands behind his back. Odd. I happily say good morning, ask why he’s not wearing any pants (yes, I sometimes have to ask things like that), and tell him to at least get some underwear on. He looks up at me with a terrified stare. Then I notice a little marble drop to the floor. Oh. My. GOD! I seriously caught the phantom crapper in the act. I screamed at him to get to the bathroom. Off he ran, hands clasped to his ass, full tilt down the hall leaving a trail behind him. This is NOT happening…Oh wait, it is. Oh, and it wasn’t the kind of poop that was unexpected. He had time to get to the bathroom if he wanted to.

I of course sent Bill a photo of what I had to deal with while he was at work (since he thinks I’ve got it so easy), lucky for me he opened it while eating his morning granola bar. Take THAT!! He had the nerve to complain I ruined his breakfast. Really? Get your ass home and clean this mess up then.

Back to the story. I got the mess cleaned up and Cameron got dressed.

I got the kids breakfast, then made time to feed myself. It seemed like the shitty part of my day was behind me.

Or was it???

I was on my first of many daily phone conversations with my mom discussing the ignorance of some people in the world when it hit me. I’m not feeling so hot. Ok, this is nothing new, my vitamins upset my stomach everyday. I ran out to the car and grabbed a piece of minty gum to help settle things down. By the time I got back inside I was rushing my mom off the phone and drooling like a Saint Bernard. This was NOT going to end well for me. I barely made it to the bathroom before the projectile vomit was spewing out of me like Mount Vesuvius. There went my breakfast (rented), my tea, my vitamins and most importantly my birth control pill. Please let some of that little pink pill have absorbed before it was so violently expelled from my body.

See, I told you it was gross! I’m hoping that that’s all the universe has in store for me today, any more just wouldn’t be fair.

Have a nastiness free day!!

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